Chapter 35

Each year, I write a long, intense post about what the previous year hath wrought, whether good or bad, happy or sad; the highs; the lows. Well, this year, I decided to blog and let whatever inside, flow outside of myself. My 34^th year brought new challenges, hurdles, responsibilities, triumphs, failures, new beginnings, painful endings, and the redefining of myself as a woman. I have always been the type of woman who loved and wanted to genuinely see others win, even when I felt I was losing. The past year has brought about some new wins, and realizations of life, love, faith, and people. 

The “Win” in Me

If you have followed my story closely, you have had front row seats to some “wins” this year. For those of you who don’t know, I was recently diagnosed with social anxiety. While I know, this has been a struggle my entire life, and even to the point where I ran from opportunities out of shear fear, experiencing someone actually say that this is a current reality, was sobering. As a child, I would often be at the point of tears in large crowds. Could you imagine having to sing at so many different events as a young child with this issue or having parents who were public figures, which landed you in uncomfortable situations, daily? This was me. Over the last 10 years of my life, these feelings intensified. I lost some close friends, because of the anxiety (embarrassing to talk about) and my fear of being in crowds, mainly because I thought I would do something to embarrass either my friend or myself. It was mistaken as non-support. I still love these friends, but this isn’t the “big idea” or “win.” The “win” in me, came when GOD spoke to me about doing a concert. He gave me the title, “My Story, My Song.” This was a win, because it forced me out of my comfort zone, and made me trust GOD down to the very smallest of details. It was a step out for me. This was my opportunity to WIN at CONQUERING the monster of depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and feelings of inadequacy. This made me see the “Win” on the inside of me. The “Win” was GOD at work.

Realizations

There were a few things I realized in my 34^th year. Are you ready? Good. I realized, no matter how good you may possibly be, it will never be good enough for a man who simply does not want you in that way. For lack of better words, I learned to dismiss myself from situations which no longer served me. We all have been heard the age-old tales of women who love men to heaven and back, but he will commit to someone else before he ever commits to you. Yeah- that was me. This story took a turn at the end of the year (God did it). That is a book for another day 😊. Another realization for me was, you can’t please everyone. This includes but isn’t limited to parents, loved ones, friends, etc. Most times, I would read and re-read through the words I am given, and delete… No more. Listen, if everyone is happy with your life except for you, there is a  massive issue of priorities. When the happiness of another person creates your misery, there is much to be determined both by that individual (s) and yourself. I learned that my happiness matters. Everyone will not understand moves which may need to be made for YOU, and guess what, YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND! YES, I SAID IT! QUOTE ME! So, listen. When you stand before the Lord, he will not ask you about me, or your parents, or even your children. He will judge you according to your works. Live to please him, and only him, while making sure you are your HEALTHIEST, HAPPIEST self.

To be continued……… My story, MY SONG.

' O taste and see that the Lord [our God] is good; How blessed [fortunate, prosperous, and favored by God] is the man who takes refuge in Him. O [reverently] fear the L ord , you His saints (believers, holy ones); For to those who fear Him there is no want. The young lions lack [food] and grow hungry, But they who seek the L ord will not lack any good thing.' PSALM 34:8-10 https://www.bible.com/bible/1588/PSA.34.8-10